The beginning

When I met my husband he was very upfront with me with me about the possibility (or lack thereof) to have children. I knew it was not impossible but difficult. At the time I wasn't really taking in it. After all who really thinks about those things when you've just started dating someone. Needless to say it became very clear very quickly that this was the real deal.

By the time we were engaged and I couldn't imagine my life without him or with anyone else, I also knew there was no turning back. I knew the situation but how could I not be with the man I love because of maybes. I KNEW I loved him. I KNEW I wanted to be with him. I did NOT know if we would have children or how long it would take.

We decided from the very beginning that we weren't going to actively try straight away. We stopped using birth control and if it happened it happened. We also knew that the time would come when we knew it was time to take it a step further and seek medical help. We both want children (or one) with all our hearts. Me maybe a bit more urgently.

My husband does not want it to become a job or a chore or for us to lose touch with what is important in our relationship. He strongly feels that it will happen when the time is right. I know that too. Really I do. It just becomes harder and harder as everyone around me is pregnant or recently had babies. I want it so badly too. Yes sure, I can wait a few more months, but in the process I am getting older. My biggest concern is that within a few months i fall in a different category as far as birth defect rates are concerned. Is that a reason to rush it and have a baby ASAP? Of course not. I just want to hold OUR child. I want to experience the unconditional love and the precious bond that will bring us even closer. I want to see if our child has his eyes or mine.  My light hair or his dark hair.

Wow I am rambling now.  Understand now why I said it is hard for me to describe how I feel?  Let me try to get my thoughts in order before doing another post.

take care

 

Here we go......

I have created this blog to have a space where I can speak openly about my feelings.  Where I can be anonymous.  

I want to be a mother.  My life is full and I am happy and everything is the way it should be.  I have a wonderful husband, a loving family and amazing friends.  Yet it is hard for them to understand how I feel.  Not one of them has had to want for a child.  How do I explain to them how badly I want something that comes/came so easily to them?

I know that it is probably still early days and I shouldn't have anything to worry about.  Only I know what problems we face.  I know that it could take years.  Not impossible I know....

Actually it is so hard just to write down here how I really feel.  How to explain that month after month I get more and more worried.  Perhaps if I start at the beginning I will get my thoughts in order.  Perhaps......